Strangeness at Steinmart

Despite the bitter cold, the sun came out today. And after battling several days of cold, grey stir craziness, I knew I needed to get out and about...especially today...my day off.

My friend, Karen, and I decided to make the best of the weather, bundled up and headed out for a day of "errands," better known as aimless shopping, lots of talking and typically also eating some sort of high-calorie lunch. As we have noted to one another countless times before, we excel at frittering a day away. Today was no exception. We maintained our championship status.
At the start of our trip, around 10:45 a.m., we had a pretty heavy agenda...multiple shops in several west side suburbs plus lunch. First on the list, Steinmart. Karen had something to return...and they were having their major markdowns on clearance items. A can't miss.

Now here's the thing about Steinmart. It has great deals...and some really nice stuff. But...it also has some of the weirdest merchandise I've ever seen at a mid- to upscale-level retail establishment. And, actually, that's part of the fun of going there. You never know what kind of retail wackiness you might uncover.

Our first stop on what turned out to be a two-hour adventure there (we DID try on a number of fine clothing items...) was naturally the clothing department. I'm happy to report I found a work outfit, that while has my favorite color...black...in it...also has RED! I actually bought a RED sweater Color clothing for me. Is the world ending? Can you believe it?

But the fact I purchased a colorful piece of clothing isn't the point of this post...the point focuses on items I did not try on, did not buy and for the life of me, cannot figure out how they received such a prominent spots in the full-price merchandise areas.

Check out this lovely two-piece ensemble.

It's kind of a train wreck melange of Charo meets the 1980s socialite grandmother..puffy sleeved jacket combined with pink paisley. And a crinkly fabric, pearl-button-festooned blouse underneath the puffy Charo-esque topper. I'm all for daring fashion, but this complete combination baffles me. I am trying to figure out what was going through the designer's mind when he or she sat down at their drafting table to come up with this heady little Pepto-Bismol, Chiquita-Banana twist on preppy Victoriana number.

This sassy little jacket isn't much better. It kinda has a "Jackie Oh on 'ludes sort of vibe." The cropped little jacket with carries on the paisley theme, but it's more psychedlic than the Charo one...and the wacky beading, I would imagine, could make the wearer look a little "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane-ish." I mean I appreciate a lil' sprinkling of bling to liven up any outfit, but this is a little over the top.


What's best is that it was strategically hung next to the Charo ensemble. I'm wondering if there are women out there who, while shopping for their early spring cruisewear, feel that these pieces would be the perfect thing to wear to the gala captain's night dinner on their Carnival cruise to the Virgin Islands.

Eventually, I moved on into the home section. I have to confess, I rather enjoy that department. I bought a new bedside lamp for my room...Karen told me it was a bit too "Guido" (aka gildy) for her liking, but I dug it...and the price was right. But again...the lamp isn't why I'm writing this. It's the glorious find in the same department, just steps away from the lamp display.


It's remarkable. Stunning, really. What every home needs. A headwaiter chimpanzee wearing a chef's toque, bearing a daily specials board. My kitchen is so empty without it. (Plus, for those of you who don't know me that well, I have a fascination with chimps dressed as people...and really get a charge of the wide variety of chimps-dressed-as-people furniture items out there. There are more than you imagine! And I'll share them with you as I find them!)

While I was marveling at this wonderful item and trying to figure out exactly who would buy it..AND...what their interior decor must be like for it to effortlessly fit in with their scheme, my cell phone rang. It was Karen. Looking for me. She had wandered off in an different direction after we had a heartily amicable (and rather entertaining) catfight over a pair of comfortable, yet distinctly cute, pair of black flats on the shoe department.

(Author's note: I am on the phone with Karen right now...she wants to stress that I was a selfish, shallow beyotch in staking claim to these shoes. I, myself, told her that I have been wondering if it might not be easier to find a new friend who doesn't wear the same size of shoes that I do. She says anyone who reads this might not want to be friends with me.)

But we digress...(and yes, we are laughing as I write this). Karen called to locate me and let me know she had made it back to the front of the store and was browsing through the accessories department. I figured we had been there for nearly two hours and was getting quite hungry by this point, so I quickly took a look at the cool luggage they have there and then wandered up to accessories to find my compadre.

I found our cart...and lying on top of it was something that rather looked like a dead animal. I looked around for Karen, whom I found peering around a rack of earrings watching to see my reaction. I couldn't quite figure out what the thing was, so she willingly modeled it for me.

Can you figure it out? It's quite, er...um..., unique. It's a YORKSHIRE TERRIER handbag. Scaled to size, complete with a removable carrying strap that also can be used, if i can recall, as a headband.

Oh...the marvels of Steinmart.

And for the record, Karen did agree after seeing the lamp outside the store, that it really wasn't so "Guido" and probably would look rather nice in my room.