Deck the Halls With...

Dummy heads. Yes...you are seeing what you think you are seeing. And it's in my living room.

My tiny auxilliary tree has been defaced with one of the things that terrifies me the most...a ventriloquist dummy head.

My family...both immediate and extended...know how much these things wig me out. For years. Hate them. I can hardly stand to look at them.

Yet, Johnny (my little brother from another mother) apparently has spent months looking for a dummy for me as a Christmas gift. He, my dad and stepmother, Brigette, were coming up for the day today, and as of yesterday a.m., he was coming up empty. But then fate threw him a bone -- or better put, a head.

He walked into an estate sale, and there it was. This lovely dismembered head. That he gleefully purchased. And lovingly wrapped up in fabulous holiday gift wrap. And brought to my house, cluing in my dad and Brigette on his twisted little surprise.

We spent all day together, lunching, bowling, shopping and enjoying lovely holiday desserts -- not a single mention of it from any of them. Not a word. We come home and exchange gifts. He urges me to open mine first. I'm thinking, sure...as he and my stepsister, Jen, always have purchased great things for me over the years...cool Lush Bubble Bars, cocktail accessories, you name it. The little box looked like a good thing to start with, so I open it. And peer in...and see the most terrifyingly ghoulish grin in the world peering maliciously at me from around the tissue paper lining the box.

I'll confess. I screamed. Like a little girl. And threw the box in the air. It seriously might have won the $100,000 prize on America's Funniest Videos if Johnny had the foresight to record me on his iPhone. Evan immediately seized it, stuck it in my face and made it talk. I found myself hovering in a state of hysteria, half laughing, half crying. These things seriously freak me out.

Then, Scott decided it would make the perfect tree topper. Thus, I am forced to look at it for the next three weeks until the decorations come down. Rumor has it, we're going to get him a Santa hat.

Thank goodness it's Christmas Ale season. That's all I can say.

Caffeinated Commentary

My mom bought this great calendar for me last year, knowing full well my love for vintage art AND that caffeinated deliciousness known as coffee.

Throughout the year, I have giggled over the sentiments it has shared with me.

All I can say is they saved the best for last...

Santas, Swingers and Smut

When a group of us headed out the other night to see "Island Rock God" Ray Fogg perform at Put-in-Bay Lakewood, we wouldn't have believed it if someone told us we would become immersed in such a surreal scene.

Ray plays most of his gigs during the year on Put in Bay and apparently has landed quite a following with a group of middle-aged Ohio swingers. They gather at his shows, including those on the mainland.

Take a hearty dose of swingers, mix it with 50 Santas, elves and naughty reindeer and what do you get -- something you'll probably never see again in your life!

We had swingers spanking scantily clad elves.

Santas watching Ray.

Santas buying Christmas Ale.

We had James Claus.

And Angry Claus.

And not on film -- we witnessed an aging swinger removing her bra in public. She then retreated to the restroom and re-emerged, still braless, wearing a sheer pink ribbed tank topShe proceeded to go hit on our husbands and also try to recruit us to her swinger cause.

I'm still shaking my head in disbelief (and giddy amusement over such an evening of spectacle!). Our posse will have enough cocktail conversation from simply rehashing this bizaare evening for a long time to come.

Oh...and in case you're wondering, here's a rear view of the aforementioned braless wonder -- patting the derriere of a fellow swinger...

He's not one she one she was "with," who apparently, according to her is one of the "best catches" in the group. Her man was cruising the bar in an oh-so-fetching pirate shirt. ARGH Mateys!

So it is true...if you can't be with the one you love, just love the one you're with!

Strangeness at Steinmart...Redux

As always, Steinmart never disappoints.

A recent visit there, just as the one I chronicled back in the late winter, met my expectations.

Where else can one find such a plethora of oddly ruffled, pucked, bejeweled, fringed fashion...a whole non-sequitar of bling, bad taste and things that simply make you go hmmm.

I just don't get it. I don't even know what to say.

Do people really buy things like this? They must.

Steinmart keeps stocking them.

Damn! It's Good to Be a Gangsta...

This picture of a snapshot hanging on a friend's refrigerator really makes me laugh.

They want so bad to be gansta and chill with their homies.

But they're white boys. In middle school. Who live in the 'burbs.

Granted, it's an inner ring 'burb...but still.

It's just really funny.

What Do You Think This Is and Where Can You Find It?

Came across this interesting little item in a local store.

Anyone care to hazard a guess what it is and what kind of store sells it?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Give up?

It is hanging on a peg rack at a pet store.

It's a....DOG TOY!

What on earth did you think it was?!?!?!
Get your minds out of the gutter.
Sheesh!

America's Real Crack Problem...

Ok. Everytime I see this in public, I wonder...doesn't it feel breezy? Can't you tell half your backside is hanging out for all to see?

I wear low-rise jeans, too. Not this low, but low enough to feel slightly abashed when I crouch down...and yes...I am aware that I might be having some crack issues and quickly resume standing.

But this...this...you wanted to avert your eyes, yet it was so pronounced and obvious that you simply could not look away.